Thursday, January 7, 2010

Longest year of my life

So, one year ago today- give or take a week- my husband was laid off from his job. At first, it was a fun idea- we did lunches together, spent more time as a family than I ever thought possible, took a few extra family vacations and really enjoyed our time together. Spring became summer and he was still here. I gained twenty pounds because everyday seemed like a Saturday. Not only was he here, he wasn't really looking for work. In the fall, he promised to either start his company or start looking for work. He didn't do either. I have fought to keep it together as we slowly become roommates. He is always here. It would be one thing if he participated in the daily mom-shit that I have to do. I can count on one hand the number of times he has gone to the store or made dinner. He constantly yells at the kids because they aren't his perfect idea of what kids should be. There are days I can't stand the sight of him because It is like when you have a new baby and someone is always touching you. Some days, you just can't stand to be touched by one more person.

I don't know what to do. Today I feel like I am circling the drain as I hear him yelling at our four-year-old because he squirted toothpaste on the counter. He wasn't around to see the other two do the exact same things when they were four and, frankly, I liked it better.

The thing that worries me the most is that he will never look for a job and will always be here. Forty is WAY too young to retire. There is no way I will last for 40 more years of marriage if he doesn't get a job soon. I really feel like our marriage is dying a slow death every day he is home. I find this so depressing that I start to shut down. The only thing that keeps me from completely shutting down and/or leaving is our kids. And that I really do love my husband- very much- I just don't like him right now. I kind of wish someone read this blog so I could get some feedback... So unsure of what to do...

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